nostalgia

it's a hot summer day. i'm drinking a tall cup of cold water to cool myself. i feel alone in these silent moments. and i start to think of my doings, and what's yet to be done.

i will finally be starting college this fall. i have a job interview this monday, and i finally found a good car to buy. everything seems to be going fine.

and yet i feel sad. and this is what truly puzzles me; the human mind and soul. i do not remember ever having sat and felt happy and content in my life. i'm sad. remorseful. full of grief. and this might come as a shock, but on this hot summer day - my heart is weeping rivers.

i miss my siblings. i miss my father. and in a way, i miss my former self. the past is now framed in perfection in comparison to the present.

why. why must this life be so unbearably painful at times? why must the sky be colored such a dreadful gray? in truth, i have nothing to complain of. i have food, hot water, a family who loves me, education, and a roof over my head.

yet, it could have been that i had nothing at all - in my heart. so empty.

i miss their smiles, and how it would light up the dark void in my heart. i miss how they gave me a purpose, how even though i might have not been accomplishing anything - looking after their well-being made me feel like the most accomplished person on earth.

i love them too deeply, it scares me at times. and i feel i shall have no more love left in me after this.

i cannot imagine how i knew life before them, and i do not believe i shall know life without them.

it shall be agonizing - these years to come.