through the falling torrent of our fears

 

Long time no write (4 months and counting to be exact). As anyone living on planet Earth can imagine now, a great deal transpires in 4 days, let alone in 4 months. Since April, I have taken the MCAT (twice!), applied to medical schools (primary and secondaries), gone on road trips (painted hills is a favorite for now), rejoiced at the wonderful news of not one but three nephews/nieces that will be joining the family by the end of this year, set goals (running, writing, Quran, reading) from which I have fallen short on many counts and and and, the days roll forth. 

I think it is a fair enough expectation at the close of such eventful months to reflect, analyze, and to plan accordingly for the coming months. The sun is setting on summer and when I look back to those strenuous months, it feels somewhat similar to looking at myself in that shot above where I am looking out into a vast expanse of hills and mountains. It wasn't a dark unknown that I was facing then, everything I faced and struggled with bore some light of its own in that it made clear to me the harrowing fears that formed the landscape of my own inner struggles. Fear is such a strong feeling. A crippling feeling. A feeling strong enough to trigger nerve pains that shoot down to my heel as I sat to take a test that would yield a 3 digit result that would determine the course of my life paths...for the rest of my life. Fear feeds on insecurities and pains and failures. Fear takes many forms; it is a shape-shifting force. 

We bring our own force -as Rilke points out- but the thing is, we don't often notice it in the moment. Facing our fears, whether or not we overcome it, is its own type of triumph. Rilke knew this. 

I know this now. 

From infinite longings finite deeds rise

As fountains spring toward far-off glowing skies,

But rushing swiftly upward weakly bend

And trembling from their lack of power descend—

So through the falling torrent of our fears

Our joyous force leaps like these dancing tears.